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I think I... broke, recently.

It was just this intense watershed moment of negativity. All these gnawing anxieties which I'd seemingly put down suddenly sprung back to the surface. Now there are blips in my day where I think of some trigger, and my body shuts down. It's that sort of cycle.

I think... loneliness is the biggest piece. And... it's hard. It used to be a "lack" of friends, or friendships. Now... now that I've surrounded myself with friends... it's like its evolved. Now it's love. Romantic love, at least. Oh, I have plenty of people who love me, but not... like that. My track record is very... rough. Never requited. The ones I loved, loved another, or didn't love at all, or just... didn't love me. It was maddening.

At the same time, it's a bit pathetic. I know how saying all of this looks. It's... creepy, to say the least. I tried, and I tried, and I tried, and I tried, but nothing ever worked. Nothing ever works.

How did she make it so easy? How... and why? Why me? Why'd it have to work for once? I never counted on it, I never thought that I'd be happy. It swept up my whole world and then she was gone. She was gone because I killed her. But it wasn't me, not really.

Was it?

It makes my fingers grow colder than ice, and my knees too weak to hold my weight. It makes my stomach churn and boil, and my forehead heavy. It makes me restless beyond words, and yet it robs me of the impetus to move a single muscle. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid. I'm so jealous. I'm so... sad.

I can't turn to a bullet, or a noose, not anymore. Even if I hadn't sworn off of it, it's not like it would suddenly work. Someone up there, higher than me won't allow it. They never have.

And who the hell am I? I'm no starving child, no homeless orphan, no victim of abuse... I'm a damn fraud. I'm a mistake! I'm a person who has so much in their life that still makes them happy... and yet I'm not happy.

I'm broken.

If I can't put myself back together, then who can?

Who will?


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